Wednesday, 10 August 2011

sticklebrick testing is a dangerous job

Slackers, don't worry about the fact you never do anything. You're better off inside during these dangerous times. Apparently, a hoard of Key Stage 1 nippers has run amok in the dinner hall throwing spotted-dick, piercing the balls in the PE cupboard with plastic knives and refusing to stack their plastic yellow meal trays in a neat pile. A large mid-day-meals-supervisor called Lomelle is hiding under the table with only a sizeable bosom and a wet jay-cloth to protect her from a feral rabble of Reception children wielding sticklebricks and over-cooked pizza crusts. Someone tried putting a couple of the ringleaders' name cards under the red sad-face but it only aggravated things. The Head is at a "conference". The Deputy is locked upstairs in her office, telling herself it's business as usual by browsing alternately between eBay and Facebook whilst occasionally reminding everyone to stay calm via the tannoy but nobody’s listening. We’re all watching the battle for the dinner hall on the CCTV from the safety of the staffroom with some tea and biscuits and feeling a little guilty for finding it funny and/or getting annoyed with each other for our various shades of right-wing authoritarian opinion on the situation. We're not sure what started it but there is speculation that a lactose-intolerant Vietnamese boy with Speech & Language difficulties had been told off for not eating the custard he had never asked for in the first place. If it didn't constitute some sort of child protection infringement we'd quite like to tweet about it.
"Animals," we are all spluttering through mouthfulls of chocolate hob-knob.
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And just in case you missed the introduction- there wasn't one-: This is no time for LOL or ROFL. If something made you laugh just bloody well say so. If you didn’t actually laugh but still found it funny that’s equally fine just say, ‘that was amusing,’ or use some other words that your brain knows. Just don't use that ignorant palindrome. In fact I think it would be best if someone just took LOL out the back, kicked LOL in the pie and made it sorry it ever came here.

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